Then Saturday Comes… the half decent football blog


Akon gets the World Cup off to a woeful start
February 4, 2010, 9:48 pm
Filed under: Mat Reville's Football Blog | Tags:


The Official World Cup song has been unveiled, and unsurprisingly it’s a forgettable drone that is a wasted opportunity.

Here’s the video, feel free to listen to it while reading my tediously predictable criticism of it. You needn’t bother watching the video, it’s just Akon and some cheap version of the chief bint from the Pussycat Dolls blabbering on out nothing to do with football or fun for three minutes.

This girl was buzzing before she heard the Akon song. Look how bored she is now, poor cow.

Spoiler – the video is just a bunch of people kicking balls at walls with footballers who aren’t footballing God Emile Heskey. Where’s the artistic merit in that?

The only good things about the video are the appearance of representatives of players Akon didn’t realise hadn’t qualified (Wales? Scotland?). Also I’m not sure what Andrei Arshavin is doing there, seeing as he didn’t qualify.

All I can say is Akon didn’t make these kind of mistake in his ‘Smack That’ masterpiece: your standards are slipping, sir.

Anyway, the song itself will hardly get anyone pumped up for a football spectacle. The line 2/3rds of the way in of “No matter what happens at least we can say “we came, we saw, we tried” sums up how rubbish this is.

It’s the typical FIFA approach to football – take out the competitive element.

Anyone remember the dancing nonsense before the 1998 World Cup, that was about a French boy who dreamed of a World Cup where nobody ever lost? It would be a nightmare – dozens of bore draws and I don’t even want to start thinking how they would deduce who the top two teams are.

The boring song is no surprise when you think back to Diana Ross, Anastasia and Ricky Martin’s instantly ephemeral efforts at previous World Cups.

You’re a farce FIFA and I want this middle-of-the-road tactics changed ASAP.

Now obviously being from Leicester I’m going to say the official anthem for anything football related should be by Kasabian. How good would it be to have new football badboy Thierry Henry coming out to Vlad The Impaler?

A simple dream, but one that will have to stay repressed for another four years.

Seeing as nobody wants to read my East Midlands propaganda, I’m instead saying they should have gone down the fun route. What better way to shrug off the stigma of the Togo gun-gate than by rolling out the barrels and having a good old knees up around a piano?

That’s right, I’m saying that for the first African world cup they should tap the ever-flowing market of East End musicals.

Now there are a number of options to be had here – here’s a few for a potential merry-go-round. Chas and Dave could help out, but I’d have each nation having a verse to themselves sung by their most famous politician.

It would be very much like a modern version of ‘Snooker Loopy’, which is again just what the Coupe du Monde is crying out for.

Verse one: sung by Barack Obama (on behalf of the United States of Democracy)
“Any old iron, any old iron,
Any any any old iron.
Africa looks neat, talk about a treat,
It’s the world cup and it’s going down a treat”.

.Verse two: sung by Nicolas Sarkozy (on behalf of France)
“Terry Henry’s a Frenchman,
He wears a Frenchman’s cap,
He lives next door to Platini,
In a council flat.
He screws Ireland with his left hand

He screws them with his right.
And when he’s out with John Terry,
He screws for all the night.”


Verse three: sung by Nelson Mandela (on behalf of South Africa)
“Maybe it’s because I’m an African,
That I love Africaaaaa
Maybe it’s because I’m an African,
That I love Africaaaaa”

Tell me that wouldn’t gee you up more for each match and also sell more units than this Akon nonsense.

As for the official English world cup song, Fabio Capello has banned it this year! The scrooge!

Still, that is not a bad idea as it means more ‘alternative’ subversive numbers will be put forward.

This gives a bigger opportunity for my ultimate dream to come true. My favourite song could finally become a true terrace anthem.

So here’s my suggestion for an England World Cup song. I believe it has all the ingredients to bring the country together for glorious campaign.

The video would be exactly the same as here, except the lead character would be played by footballing everyman Steve Claridge and the woman would just be a giant  walking World Cup trophy.

Watch the video and tell me that you wouldn’t want to see that come to light?

Come on Cowell, if you made it so for the Haitians you can make it so for me too.

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