Then Saturday Comes… the half decent football blog


Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World, Partytime, Excellent

Chezza's a firm member of Team Bridge

Recent sexscapades have COLEmanated in it all being a BRIDGE too far for English footballers (espASHLEY left backs), who now find their careers on the WAYNE hahahaha.

With fine wordplay like that you may be surprised to read I am not currently being headhunted for script work on ITV phenomenon ‘Take Me Out’.

Back to the business at hand: Sweet Wayne Bridge’s retirement from international football becauseof what that brute JT did to the mother of his child.

Lovely Wayne Bridge’s retirement from international football is of course bad news for Leighton Baines’ children, as they will now soon be from a single parent home.

The England Left Back 2010 Hoax, created by enemy of the state Jack Warner, has already stolen the marital bliss of messrs Cole and Bridge, and now it’s after the poshest footballer in the country.

“Leighton, your lobster is ready”, his maid used to say, to all his Scouse classmates’ chagrin.

Anyway, enough of that, let’s get onto whether Huggable Wayne was right to go.

Well obviously he wasn’t. If Dream Team has taught us anything it’s that these footballer fads are forgotten with a moment of soccer unity, and Darling Wayne would have got a lot of closure from, I dunno, some sort of a moment where he and JT simultaneously elbowed Christiano Ronaldo.

As it is, St Wayne has taken the easy route out, and will spend his summer doing charity walks and looking after orphans while that evil JT makes a one man campaign to bring apartheid back to South Africa.

Hopefully Brave Wayne will get a job as a pundit on the BBC. Not only is he totally lovely, but it would be great to see him brooding away while John Terry scampers around beating up foreigners like he likes to.
In the next few days there are a few left-back inevitablities.

There will be stories about Cheryl Cole’s divorce demands under the headline ‘Cheryl Greedy’.

There will be a plethora of stories linking Leighton Baines’ life to World Cup winner George Cohen, including things like “they were both born on the third Wednesday of the month their mum died in”.

But most inevitably, there will be moronic calls for how Beautiful Wayne’s decision to quit should affect John Terry.

JT's disguise was falling nobody

Idiots like Martin Samuel will say JT should quit as well, so Benevolent Wayne can come back to the set-up, under some sort of a headline like “I’d rather lose with a soldier than win with a terrorist.”

Meanwhile, idiots like Ian Wright will say that JT should be given the captain’s armband back, no doubt spouting some rhetoric like “Now Bridgey’s gone Johnny being skipper won’t bother no-one”, all written while Wrighty licks the egg yolk from the steak he’s resting on his face.

At the end of the day none of these will happen. Rather, Terry will stay as a deserving starter for the World Cup, while Yummy Wayne will probably be feeling a bit stupid about himself come June.

Next week: the conclusive report of Likeable Wayne’s GBH charge after the game at Stamford Bridge

Recent sexscapades have COLEmanated in it all being a BRIDGE too far for English footballers
(espASHLEY left backs), who has now found their career on the WAYNE hahahaha.With fine wordplay like that you’ll not be surprised I am currently being headhunted for ITVphenomenon ‘Take Me Out’.Back to the business at hand: Sweet Wayne Bridge’s retirement from international footballbecause of what that brute JT did to the mother of his child.Lovely Wayne Bridge’s retirement from international football is of course bad news for LeightonBaines’ children, as they will now soon be from a single parent home.The England Left Back 2010 Hoax, created by enemy of the state Jack Warner, has already stolenthe marital bliss of messrs Cole and Bridge, and now it’s after the poshest footballer in thecountry.”Leighton, your lobster is ready”, his maid used to say, to all his Scouse classmates’ chagrin.Anyway, enough of that, let’s get onto whether Huggable Wayne was right to go.Well obviously he wasn’t. If Dream Team has taught us anything it’s that these footballer fadsare forgotten with a moment of soccer unity, and Darling Wayne would have got a lot of closurefrom, I dunno, some sort of a moment where he and JT simultaneously elbowed Christiano Ronaldo.As it is, St Wayne has taken the easy route out, and will spend his summer doing charity walksand looking after orphans while that evil JT makes a one man campaign to bring apartheid back toSouth Africa.Hopefully Brave Wayne will get a job as a pundit on the BBC. Not only is he totally lovely, butit would be great to see him brooding away while John Terry scampers around beating upforeigners like he does.In the next few days there are a few left-back inevitablities.There will be stories about Cheryl Cole’s divorce demands under the headline ‘Cheryl Greedy’.There will be a plethora of stories linking Leighton Baines’ life to World Cup winner GeorgeCohen, including things like “they were both born on the third Wednesday of the month their mumdied in”.But most inevitably, there will be moronic calls for how Beautiful Wayne’s decision to quitshould affect John Terry.Idiots like Martin Samuel will say JT should quit as well, so Benevolent Wayne can come back tothe set-up, under some sort of a headline like “I’d rather lose with a soldier than win with aterrorist.”Meanwhile, idiots like Ian Wright will say that JT should be given the captain’s armband back,no doubt spouting some rhetoric like “Now Bridgey’s gone Johnny being skipper won’t botherno-one”, all written while Wrighty licks the egg yolk from the steak he’s resting on his face.At the end of the day none of these will happen. Rather, Terry will stay as a deserving starterfor the World Cup, while Yummy Wayne will probably be feeling a bit stupid about himself comeJune.Next week: the conclusive report of Likeable Wayne’s GBH charge after the game at StamfordBridge


Tevez finds football and parenthood don’t mix
February 22, 2010, 8:11 pm
Filed under: Mat Reville's Football Blog | Tags: , ,

Carlos proves his top parenting skills

Domestic managers have battled against the perils of ‘club versus country’ rows for many moons. Rows have raged for years over whether their little millionaire owes more to the country that reared them and give back to 60 million people, or whether they should be at their peak for the benefit of the international brotherhood of oil tycoons that happen to be signing the cheques this year.

Presumably you can see where I stand on the issue.

In similar black and white terms, there is another battle that rears its head once every so often, that of club versus personal crisis.

It is very easy to criticise football managers for putting the good of three points which, in all reality, will mean very little come the end of anybody’s life, or the chance to see their son being born or attend their mother’s funeral. In fact it is so easy to criticise such a manner that I will do without even bothering to bore you with the other side of the argument.

The example that is turning my head towards this matter is an apparant spat between Carlos Tevez and Manchester City. Little Carlos has been a big hit at the massive club this season, but his attention to the cause was lost when his wife went into labour dangerously early he flew back in Argentina.

Tevez quite rightfully flew back to his home country, where reports are vague but apparently sufficiently serious for significant worry over their well being.

Manchester City have publically given their permission for him to stay in Argentina, but there are plenty of rumours that the permission is forced because they know that Tevez would not return, as they would like him to.

Good evidence for this came afeter Manchester City limped to an abysmally boring 0-0 draw with a Liverpool side that play like an apathetic corpse, Tevez’s boss Roberto Mancini showed that behind the scarf there is a bit of a scumbag, with comments suggesting the Argentine was not a team player because he is favouring resolving serious family issues at the expense of playing football.

Mancini said:

“I don’t know where Tevez is, I think he is in Argentina.

“It’s a big problem for us because we have an important week and we don’t have Tevez. For me it is no good. Carlos has been eight days at home and I don’t know if, while in Argentina, he has been working [on his fitness].

“I hope Carlos, within the next two days, can come back here because we need him. Maybe he is on the plane. He had some problems with his family but now it has been resolved and I hope he comes back. I need him.”

It’s not quite the glowing permission you may expect for someone facing a massively serious worry in his home life.

Manchester United gave Edwin van der Saar time off when his wife was ill. Irrespective of your thoughts on the man, Chelsea were quite right in allowing John Terry the opportunity to resolve problems in his marriage that were deemed front page news for a period that put particular scrutiny under the credibility of  journalistic views of importance.

Yet with Manchester City dropping points yet again at the weekend (two wins in seven now), Mancini is starting to feel the stress and seems to be imploding by creating divisions within his squad.

And, for the record, Manchester City can afford to lose him if they can afford to give away Robinho on loan for a season.

I’m sure Mancini could have done more to stop that happening. His poor man management has also meant that £32m signing got his last bus out of Manchester, moving on a loan deal that (if Championship Manager 97/98 is to be believed) will include only the cost of his wages.

With Manchester City, Bolton and all flopping again this weekend, it’s fair to say things aren’t going well for teams who sacked their managers this season.

Although for that matter… with Hull City and Liverpool seeping out predictably rubbish results, it’s also not going spectacularly well for those clubs that staved off the temptation to sack managers despite a thousand Sun ‘exclusives’ to the contrary.

Admittedly, this frank admission that I don’t really know what’s going on isn’t the strongest way to start this topic. But it is with great magnanity that I thank you for your continued reading.

Because at the end of the day, there is nothing you can really say about managers. True, some will be better than others (see how Peter Taylor treated the same squad he inherited at Leicester City from Martin O’Neill). There is a degree of importance to attach to the manager.

But morons like the soul-less robots on Sky Sports put too much sway into whether the manager picking a 4-3-3 or a 4-5-1 formation. At the end of the most important variable is, of course, the players.


The biggest relationship the manager has with players is man-management. Anyone who thinks Harry Redknapp is more tactically astute than Glenn Hoddle is an idiot. Yet Harry Redknapp manages a team challenging for the Champion’s League and Glenn Hoddle is consigned to the managerial scrapheap.

Mancini should remember that his biggest job is getting the right things out of the players he puts on the pitch. If he forces him home there is no point having Tevez back as he wouldn’t be half the player as when his full attention is on football (which it shouldn’t be at the moment). Similarly, you can bet that a lot of the squad would begin to think negatively on Mancini for imposing on the supremely likeable Argentine.

Although it’s still early days for Berti Mancini – who I do like very much – he would do well to learn that lesson very quickly. Phil Scolari will tell you that you don’t get much time to make a good first impression when you have overbearing billionaires wanting instant success.



Billionaire owners are bums
February 15, 2010, 10:47 pm
Filed under: Mat Reville's Football Blog | Tags:

This fine pun is, ruefully, now obsolete

All good things come to an end, and this fine film pun is now one of them. For as of this week, Notts County now have as many Sven Goran Erikssons as my bedroom does. For the record, that is none.

Yes it’s true, wipe away your tears. The silky lothario has kicked his last bottle of shampoo in the Meadow Lane dressing room, after the Swede skulked out of Nottingham last week.

The last straw for the increasingly disillusioned Mr Burns lookalike was when the Sheikh who brought him to the club ran away, selling it for a quid to a man far too English to interest Svennis.

Everyone in the Notts County office has woken up at the crack of a (false) dawn.

It’s a sad end to a story that could have really shaken things up, with Notts County seemingly ready to ‘do a Gretna’ through the leagues. It wasn’t to be, and now they’re just left with a murderer up front and a ghost in goal.

The upshot in the short term is that Nottingham’s karaoke scene will have one less Scandinavian client. You should have sympathy for him, he is a lovely man but to quote the song – don’t forget that he’s from Sweden.

For the problem is wider than the problems affecting just one Nordic legend.

Similar false dawns seem to be appearing at all the places where ‘billionaires’ recently took over. God knows what is happening at Portsmouth. They have had as many owners this year as Avram’s had massages, and despite what his wife says, that’s not a good thing.

The fact that this update went with League Two Notts County first rather than Premiership Pompey alludes to what a shambles the south coast club find themselves in. Frankly, I have no idea who or what has messed up there so I’m steering clear.

That Fat Portsmouth Owner, yesterdayBut it’s clear to see that the fat man (left) who was at the centre of the Manchester City and Portsmouth takeovers is some kind of a Walter Mitty character. What exactly are the due and proper ownership tests?

Moving onto something a little more tangible than the never-ending mess at Portsmouth, QPR are apparently the richest club in the world. Yet they have experienced just as much chaos off the pitch as their peers at Pompey.

Rangers have now sacked so many managers this year that Mick Harford has got a chance at the club.

I implore QPR fans to ignore Football League show Sundit Nick Reinis to back the pathetic leadership shown by their board. Only a charlatan would support this dystopian regime and I personally think anyone endorsing such nonsense is almost certainly a klandestine Chelsea fan.

Despite the billionaires in the boxes, they have spent no real cash and certainly seen no discernable improvement since a boardroom of Formula One suits rocked up a couple of years ago.

Dr. Pearson's new club badge surprised some Foxes fans

The same thing can be seen to a lesser extent at my beloved Leicester City, where the much anticipated arrival of Milan Mandaric ushered in an era of loan signings and a relegation.

That we are now playing with a swashbuckling swagger reminiscent of V of the Vendetta fame is more to do with the old school approach of Nigel Pearson than anything off the pitch.

Some multi-millionaires who strut into football clubs do live up to the fanfare. Chelsea, Manchester City and (dare I say it) Manchester United have all improved their performances since recent foreign takeovers.

Yet why is it that so many other football chairmen are proving analagous to Coldplay’s Viva La Vida, taking over as immense successes only to totally mismanage a club into the ground?

I can only imagine that business is actually really, really easy. People like us just assume it’s hard, whereas thinking people’s champion Mike Ashley is cranking up the millions.

In this paradigm, football is the ‘real world’ where people get found out as fanatasists and the business world is a playground for folly.

Therefore I can only conclude that if Joey Barton was made Chancellor of the Exchequer we would be out of the credit crunch within a couple of hours.

And by the end of the week we’d all be driving hovercars powered by water by the end of the week.

And Haiti would be sorted out too, come to think of it.

All we need to do now is find a way to contact David Icke to get the shapeshifting lizards out the way to lay the path for Joey’s ascention to the job.

The smell of revolution is in the air!

With Joey as our leader the world is our oyster, “and what’s more, we’ll be a lobster my son” – Kipling



Enjoying the Superb Owl with American friends
February 8, 2010, 8:18 pm
Filed under: Mat Reville's Football Blog | Tags:

The Syperb Owl: An American Tradition

As a whole country gets immersed into a one-off sporting event that deciphers who has supreme bragging rights for another year, it would be foolish for this football blog to ignore it.

Wasn’t the Blackpool vs Leicester City game great? I was delighted it was the main event on Nick Reinis’ Football League Show this week.

However, instead of focusing all my attention on that barnstorming encounter I should also pay reverence to the Superb Owl tournament match.

The Red Indian Colts lost 30 touchdowns to 17 interceptions agains the New Orleans Pistolwhippers.

That’s what it looks like to read an English person writing about American Football. To an educated person, who watches a sport that is more about languid skill than it is repetitive, repetitive, repetitive drills, it may seem to be a witty repost to a tedious sport.

However, to an American it may be misconstrued as erroneous reporting.

This shows the fickleness of the audience rather than the journalist, who is almost always right (only wrong if they are Jan Moir).

For this reason, I have decided to celebrate the Superb Owl by pimping out my page to my American friend Vortex O’Yankypants for one week only.

His reporting will bring together both sides of the Atlantic: it will help Americans understand the Beautiful Game if it is written about by one of their own, and it will help English people get over the genuinely weird feeling of people like Jake Humphreys pretending they understand/care about American Football.

Over to you, Mr O’Yankypants.

/

“So… I will try to not write this like American girls do their Facebook updates.

Well… I will try my best.

Life. Love. Gaga. Love.

Anyway, onto the soccer ball.

My favourite piece of soccernews this seven day perium is the great idea of Egyptian LEGEND Mido.

Way to go Mido!

The great goal man Mido had the awesome idea to totally bypass the wage most EPL Premier League stars get and accept 1/40th the amount of cheese for his strings.

It’s so fiscally great.

He is a great goal taker and a great guy too.

Life. Gaga. Love.

Whereas most EPL kickerball guys take home enough money to have a Totally Super Sweet 16th Birthday every day, Mido will only be able to have one once a month.

He is earning just 1,000 pound sterlingfied a week. That’s 4,000 pound supercash a month and 52,000 pound stalingrad a year.

Oh my god he is such a great guy. He has like totally turned around his career. I like totally used to think he was a doppleganger for Richard Reid but now because he’s on like totally less money I totally think he’s a rad guy and he has made the best turnaround since Mel Gibson (<3 BRAVEHEART).

Love. Gaga. Inspire. Life.

So Mido is now playing for West Ham United (Go Russell Brent! Katy Perry is sooo cool too).

Even though he’s totally garbage and won’t score more than three goals (all bobbling in after hitting his recterial bowl) he is a total inspiration since signing for the Upton Park Terriers.

I AM IRISH! I AM IRISH!

ST PATRICKS DAY ROCKS!

I AM IRISH!

What is a Taoiseach?

More players should do the same thing. I would absolutely ❤ Salif Diao if he returned to the EPL Premier League (English Division) One if he was on £.001m a week as well.

Gaga. Adore. Dance.”

.

And there you have it. The astute descriptions of the latest goings on in the Premiership from American correspondant Vortex O’Yankypants.

Any Americans who don’t quite understand, this laboured analogy, the above is an insult to the English media’s embarrassing attempts to make American Football compatable to the English public.

The joke is on us, not on you.

Put away your guns.

The whole thing seems so contrived and forced upon the British people, who have no tradition nor real reason to care whenther Culturally Unknown State #22 beats Culturally Unknown State #43 in a game invented by people whose country was born out of not wanting to be us.

As Peter Griffin would say: “it insists upon itself Lois, it insists upon itself.”

That’s not to say I’m sure it’s not good fun for the few English people who actually like American Football for the sport and not for the cultural fad (slash attnetion seeking).

Leicester's Peyton Manning: not as successful a number 18 as Matty Elliott

Leicster's Peyton Manning: not as good a number 18 as Matty Elliott

But the long and short of it is this: English people are not ready for sports like American Football that replace intangible artistry and unpredictability with big numbers and repetition, repetition, repetition.

For those people I say variety is the spice of life, and who can forget we had five Spice Girls each to cater fora different demographic. And they made it on both sides of the Atlantic too.

But if you told more people that Payton Manning used to play for the Leicester Panthers, the viewing figures in Britain would be TOTALLY AWESOME!!

repetitio n


Akon gets the World Cup off to a woeful start
February 4, 2010, 9:48 pm
Filed under: Mat Reville's Football Blog | Tags:


The Official World Cup song has been unveiled, and unsurprisingly it’s a forgettable drone that is a wasted opportunity.

Here’s the video, feel free to listen to it while reading my tediously predictable criticism of it. You needn’t bother watching the video, it’s just Akon and some cheap version of the chief bint from the Pussycat Dolls blabbering on out nothing to do with football or fun for three minutes.

This girl was buzzing before she heard the Akon song. Look how bored she is now, poor cow.

Spoiler – the video is just a bunch of people kicking balls at walls with footballers who aren’t footballing God Emile Heskey. Where’s the artistic merit in that?

The only good things about the video are the appearance of representatives of players Akon didn’t realise hadn’t qualified (Wales? Scotland?). Also I’m not sure what Andrei Arshavin is doing there, seeing as he didn’t qualify.

All I can say is Akon didn’t make these kind of mistake in his ‘Smack That’ masterpiece: your standards are slipping, sir.

Anyway, the song itself will hardly get anyone pumped up for a football spectacle. The line 2/3rds of the way in of “No matter what happens at least we can say “we came, we saw, we tried” sums up how rubbish this is.

It’s the typical FIFA approach to football – take out the competitive element.

Anyone remember the dancing nonsense before the 1998 World Cup, that was about a French boy who dreamed of a World Cup where nobody ever lost? It would be a nightmare – dozens of bore draws and I don’t even want to start thinking how they would deduce who the top two teams are.

The boring song is no surprise when you think back to Diana Ross, Anastasia and Ricky Martin’s instantly ephemeral efforts at previous World Cups.

You’re a farce FIFA and I want this middle-of-the-road tactics changed ASAP.

Now obviously being from Leicester I’m going to say the official anthem for anything football related should be by Kasabian. How good would it be to have new football badboy Thierry Henry coming out to Vlad The Impaler?

A simple dream, but one that will have to stay repressed for another four years.

Seeing as nobody wants to read my East Midlands propaganda, I’m instead saying they should have gone down the fun route. What better way to shrug off the stigma of the Togo gun-gate than by rolling out the barrels and having a good old knees up around a piano?

That’s right, I’m saying that for the first African world cup they should tap the ever-flowing market of East End musicals.

Now there are a number of options to be had here – here’s a few for a potential merry-go-round. Chas and Dave could help out, but I’d have each nation having a verse to themselves sung by their most famous politician.

It would be very much like a modern version of ‘Snooker Loopy’, which is again just what the Coupe du Monde is crying out for.

Verse one: sung by Barack Obama (on behalf of the United States of Democracy)
“Any old iron, any old iron,
Any any any old iron.
Africa looks neat, talk about a treat,
It’s the world cup and it’s going down a treat”.

.Verse two: sung by Nicolas Sarkozy (on behalf of France)
“Terry Henry’s a Frenchman,
He wears a Frenchman’s cap,
He lives next door to Platini,
In a council flat.
He screws Ireland with his left hand

He screws them with his right.
And when he’s out with John Terry,
He screws for all the night.”


Verse three: sung by Nelson Mandela (on behalf of South Africa)
“Maybe it’s because I’m an African,
That I love Africaaaaa
Maybe it’s because I’m an African,
That I love Africaaaaa”

Tell me that wouldn’t gee you up more for each match and also sell more units than this Akon nonsense.

As for the official English world cup song, Fabio Capello has banned it this year! The scrooge!

Still, that is not a bad idea as it means more ‘alternative’ subversive numbers will be put forward.

This gives a bigger opportunity for my ultimate dream to come true. My favourite song could finally become a true terrace anthem.

So here’s my suggestion for an England World Cup song. I believe it has all the ingredients to bring the country together for glorious campaign.

The video would be exactly the same as here, except the lead character would be played by footballing everyman Steve Claridge and the woman would just be a giant  walking World Cup trophy.

Watch the video and tell me that you wouldn’t want to see that come to light?

Come on Cowell, if you made it so for the Haitians you can make it so for me too.



Transfer window shuts without any big names going through it

The transfer window has slammed shut for another season and while there was a decent amount of activity there wasn’t a great deal of movement from big name players.

Whereas in previous years the players whose names rake in a fortune at the club shop’s printers have moved club, this year it’s been the smaller named players who have made the moves.

Included in the list of movers is Robbie Keane (5 letters), Moses (5), Okaka (5), Healy (5) Mido (4), Bent (4). Even Championship trendsetters Leicester City only brought in Alex Bruce, who has a combination of just 4 and 5 letters.

Even I’m a bigger name than those jokers (7).

How I pine for the day of the big name players making this last-minute shopping more fun. Just last year we had Arshavin (8) and Quaresma (9) coming to the Premiership.

As well as the Scrabble quality of players moving, there is also a distinct lack of footballers with top ability moving.

You may think that this is because of the global credit crunch but take my word for it that you are wrong. I got an A in Economics A Level so don’t bother arguing with me, I’m fiscally astute.

The reason for this is probably that we are in World Cup season and nobody wants to move to upset there chances of being picked for their respective countries.

I don’t think it’s any great surprise that the big movers came from countries that failed to qualify for the finals. The big international movers play for Egypt (Mido), Scotland (Alan Hutton) and Ireland (Robbie Keane).

Despite the ongoing pleas of the Irish, none of those boys are going to the World Cup.

So FIFA bigwig Sepp Blatter (looking shift on your left) has once again acted to the detriment of the English Premiership’s top sides. How dare he organise this silly summer competition to ruin our Winter transfer fun day?

Once again it’s one rule for Swiss baldies in ivory towers and another for the rest of us.

I say we take our lead from the brave fans of FC United of Manchester ‘Newton Heath’ United Forever Love United Hate Glazers and take this matter very, very seriously and burn effergies of Mr Blatter (if that is his real name).

Please join me in declaring your anger at FIFA by posting your venom at this link.