Then Saturday Comes… the half decent football blog


Carlos Tevez: The Musical
January 24, 2010, 7:17 pm
Filed under: Mat Reville's Football Blog | Tags:

I have decided my blog should respond to all this talk about the FA Cup losing its appeal by dedicating this post to the vastly more entertaining League Cup.

Aston Villa’s 6-4 spanking of Blackburn was great, but the most fun in the semi finals came in the Manchester derby.

To celebrate scoring against his old club, Man City’s Carlos Tevez mocked Gary ‘Citizen’ Neville’s ridiculous claim that the most feared striker in Europe wasn’t worth £7 million less than Dmitar Berbatov.

He did this  first with fantastic celebrations on the pitch and then, raising the bar even more, by telling an Argentinian paper that Red Nev is a “boot licker”.

I’m not exactly sure what that means but I love it.

One day I hope to call a fellow journalist a keyboard licker.

The reaction from the press was predictable in Britain, but The Guardian’s (excellent) Fiver email brought the altogether more fun response from a paper in Argentina. Apparently the reason behind the friction between the players was due to a ‘class divide’.

We all know Tevez came from a favela where he was raised by a dancing bear who let him lie on his belly as they sang about life’s bare necessities. But few knew Gary and Phil Neville were raised on a stately home, playing football as a means to keep themselves busy until they inherit daddy’s estate.

Anyway, I can imagine why that would rankle with Carlos ‘Oilver’ Tevez. It must get frustrating to be called overrated by someone who watches games through a monocle from the Old Trafford bench.

Anyway, while football experts like myself take it for granted that the history of Tevez’s “rags to riches” story is known to all and sundry, I forget that sometimes regular Joes and girls frequent this site for the bright colours.

If you are not up to speed here is a three-part story of how his life flipped-turned upside down from living in a Buenos Ares favela into falling out with upper class socialite twit Gary Neville through song lyrics to the little-known Carlos Tevez: The Musical.

.

ACT ONE: ROCKING OVER TO ENGLAND
In Buenos Ares born and raised,
On the playground was where Carlos spent most of his days.
Scoulding his face so it looked all cool,
And shooting some f-ball outside of his school.

When a guy called Kia who was up to no good,
Started making trouble in his neighbourhood.
He made him a slave and Carlos’ got scared,
When he was told he was joining the wideboys at West Ham

Carlos begged and pleaded with him day after day
But Kia packed his suitcase and sent him on my way
He gave Tevez a kiss and then gave him his ticket
So he put his walkman on and said to the cabby

Yo go to West Haaaaaaaaaaam!

.

.


ACT TWO: THE MOVE TO MANCHESTER (1)

So that explains how he got to England, but why enduring these regular fights with Citizen Neville? Well, in laymen’s terms, the two first met after Alex Ferguson paid off the treacherousJoorbiachan The Hut with some money for a couple of years loan.

However, the reason can again be better understoon through the medium of song.

Fergie stuck a pony in his pocket,
He needed a new Ruudy van,
Cos if you want the best ‘uns,
But you don’t ask questions,
Then Tevez is your man.

Who he came from was a myyystery,
His owners are changin’ every season
Like the tides of the sea.
But he drove the Old Trafford fans beserk,
With his silky skills and tireless hard work
La-la-la la-lala-la
La-la-la la-lala-laaaaaaaaa

.

/

/

ACT THREE: THE MOVE ACCROSS MANCHESTER
However, during Carlos’ time at Old Trafford he got on quite well with Red Nev. It was only after Big Tev quit the Red Devils for fierce city rivals Manchester City did Gary start panning him in the press.

Yet again, this is best scene through the medium of a crudely assembled parody of a ’90s TV show theme song.

No-one told him life was going to be this way,
His job was a joke, the club was broke,
Fergie’s love was DOA.
It’s like he was always stuck in second gear,
It hadn’t been his day, his week, his month, all year

But Man City said they’d be there for him,
When the cash starts to pour,
They’d be there to pay him,
Like Kia was there before.

.

He’s already bagged ten,
Last year he only got eight
He’s playing well and, so far, things are going great.
Kia warned him there’d be days like these,
But he didn’t tell him Nev wants to break his knees.

Gaz said he wasn’t worth the money Kia asked for
He wasn’t there for Tev,
Like Man City were before
He wasn’t there for Tev,
Cos Fergie wasn’t there for him too.

/

So in conclusion, Gary Neville made naughty remarks about Carlos Tevez because of a combination of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Only Fools and Horses and Friends.

In response, Tevez did a Hulk Hogan impression.

Next week, how Mike Ashley screwed up Newcastle (to the tune from Round The Twist). Have you ever… ever felt like this…

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