Then Saturday Comes… the half decent football blog


Let’s kick wrestling into football
September 20, 2009, 7:53 pm
Filed under: Mat Reville's Football Blog | Tags: , ,

TSC WRESLEMANIA

Woof! Eight games into the season and the Premiership’s already making King Saul look like Neville Chamberlain. In a bid to fit in with the new rage filled football climate, that will be the last academic metaphor in this piece.

Instead, we will indulge ourselves with the precious metaphor of professional wrestling.

For the sake of all those precious Arsenal kids, wouldn’t it be better if all of football’s meanies had a big old wrestling bout rather than sitting around waiting for a sly kick at a head?  I propose we get all the tension out the way in one bone-crunching night of mega-violence.

That’s right, it’s time for the first ever Then Saturday Comes Wrestlemania.  We’ll slap the main protagonists up in spandex and let them resolve their differences the old way

It’s how Americans work out their differences, and hopefully all this soccerball anger will be exercised and we’ll all be singing Ant and Dec by tea-time.

Booked on the card are six feuds that would be better served in the wrestling ring than the football field.  So less of the talking, let’s get to the violence…

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NIGEL REO-COKER vs MARTIN O’NEILL

oneill vs reo coker

The first battle of the night is the one that erupted on Aston Villa’s training park this week.

Nigel Reo-Coker is (alleged) to have gone a bit mental when teenager Fabian Delph refused to return a pass.  Presumably weeks of pent-up aggression at losing his place to the talented youngster got the better of NRC, and he lashed out at the protege.

Understandably angry at the scenes, strict disciplinarian Martin O’Neill sauntered over to break up the fight only to (allegedly) be struck by Reo-Coker and wrestled to the ground.

Nigel was sent home from training… where he silently plotted for the upcoming battle.

The fight itself was a short affair, with Crazy Eyes Martin O’Neill utilising his uncanny knowledge of mass murderers to vanquish his foe.  The Northern Irish manager used a combination of Hindley, Huntley and Shipman tactics to embarrass his much younger opponent to get a comfortable victory.

WINNER: MARTIN O’NEILL!

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‘CRAZY’ CRAIG BELLAMY vs ALAN SHEARER, JOHN ARNE RIISE AND MANCHESTER UNITED FANS

Bellamy

This one’s got more history than a 70-year-old prostitute.

The seeds started back when Bellerz celebrated leaving Newcastle by texting club captain Alan Shearer and telling him him “Your legs are gone. You’re too old. You’re too slow”.  Shearer was apparently fuming, and didn’t TB on this occasion.

After leaving The Toon, Craigy rocked up at Liverpool where he proceeded to hit team-mate John Arne Riise with a golf club due to a karaoke dispute.  Riise was apparently fuming, and didn’t join the squad for any future vocal performances (not even on SingStar).

Finally, CB32 had a bout of fistycuffs with a supporter after today’s Manchester derby as he was leaving the pitch.  The fan was apparently fuming, and didn’t catch his train home to Surrey that evening.

The fight itself would be tough to call.  Obviously, Bellamy would disperse with the Manchester United supporter pretty easily.  The Red Devils’ faithful proved themselves to be a spent force when they failed to beat that lovely, lovely Glazer fella.  Therefore, the Plastic Manc would be first eliminated.

Shearer would enter next, and be far too keen to get his hands on little Craig.  Big Al would surely blow out another cruciate ligament as he dashed to grab Bellerz (presumeably that’s why he never bothered running in the last 2 years of his contract).  As the bald legend lay prone, Craig would eliminate him.

Finally though, it’s time for Bellerz to face Norweigian warrior John Arne Riise.  Anyone who’s ever seen his free kicks will know there’s some power in those legs.  One kick up Bellamy’s arse would send the little scumbag out flying out the ring and into the fans, where he would (finally) be lynched by a public that has run out of patience with his little rat antics.  After losing his limbs, Bellamy would be unable to get back to the ring before the 10-count elapsed.

WINNER: JOHN ARNE RIISE!

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‘FAT’ SAM ALLARDYCE vs ‘PROFESSOR’ ARSENE WENGER

wenger vs allardyce

One of the big money fights.

Allardyce and Wenger have been ideological enemies for a decade, which is probably inevitable when they represent a very stereotypical Frenchman and a very stereotypical Northerner.  Although Allardyce is actually a Brummy, there’s no doubt he should have been born in Burnley.

‘Big’ Fat Sam’s thuggish Bolton/Blackburn teams have long been maligned by Arsene, who crafts a team as whimsical as his spinning bow-ties.  However, much like his players, Wenger doesn’t have the stomach for a fight.

The match itself would be an embarrassing affair, remniscent to playground  bullies everywhere.  Fat Sam qould quickly lock Arsene in a chinese burn, parading him around the ring in a headlock and forcing him to punch himself in the face while saying “why are you hitting yourself?”  The end would come when Arsene runs away from the ring and looking for a teacher to complain to.

Inevitably though, all he runs into is the other bullies, and messrs Hughes, Megson and Bruce give him a pile-on that he will never recover from.

WINNER: THE FAT MAN, SAM ALLARDYCE!

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ANDY GORAM vs ANDY GORAM

andy goram

After that brutalising contest, it’s time for some comedy relief.  This will come in the form of Footballing Scizophrenic Andy Goram fighting himself in a thrilling encounter.

After it was reported in the press that Goram had a mild form of the mental illness, fans responded with a chorus of “Two Andy Gorams, there’s only two Andy Gorams”.  Despite my reticence at laughing at people with genuine health problems, I’d have no problem booking this inevitably engrossing encounter.

Sadly, the match would not last long.  The barrel-chested (aka lardy) keeper would knock himself out with one large punch to his head.  Unable to beat the 10-count, the match would have to be deemed a draw.  Of course, the merits of whether there was one, two, or no winners would bring about an academic debate that makes Schoenberg’s cat look like Henry’s.

WINNER: NO CONTEST!

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ROBIN VAN PERSIE vs EMMANUEL ADEBAYOR

rvp VS adebayor

After that folly, we’re back to the real disputes.  And what is more news-worthy than the rematch from  last week’s one-sided encounter at the City of Manchester Stadium.

In that bout, Robin van Persie limped away with ex-team mate Emmanuel Adebayor’s footprint on his skull.  Rather than reacting on the pitch, RvP went into his shell while Adebayor banged in a goal.

After the game, the whimpering Dutchman produced a lame press release saying; “I am sad and disappointed by my former team-mate Emmanuel Adebayor’s mindless and malicious stamp on me during today’s match.”  Quite noble, but hardly fighting words.

Sadly, this lack of killer instinct would prove his downfall again.  Just like when he played second fiddle to the Togolese striker when they shared the same dressing room, RvP would fail to make his impact in the fight.  He’s shown himself to put his head in dangerous places, and this match would end with another swift boot to the Dutchman’s cranium.

WINNER: EMMANUEL ADEBAYOR!

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THE MAIN EVENT!

‘ANGRY’ ALEX FERGUSON vs RAFA ‘FACTS’ BENITEZ

rafa vs fergie

It’s time for the main-event.  The bout the fans paid to see: Alex Ferguson against Rafa Benitez.

Despite the fact neither man manages the team that will win the Premiership this season (that’s Carlo Ancelotti), they seem to have been butting heads constantly ever since last season’s Facts-gate.  It’s only right, therefore, that we get them to settle their differences off the pitch and in the wrestling ring.

Manchester United supporters would inevitably moan about the bout, as is their nature.  But in this case they may have a point: their gaffer is a couple of decades older than Liverpool’s.  Don’t believe the George Foreman hype, that could make a big difference.

However, Fergie is a retired professional athlete whilst Rafa is a retired waiter.  Therefore, the FA were happy to sanction the fight.

The resulting match would inevitably be a cheat-fest.  Both men would resort to hitting the other with chairs and baseball bats as the referee’s back is turned, only to claim innocence and bleat to the fans about the other ‘lacking respect’.

This would go on for about eight or nine hours, before everyone finally left due to a lack of interest at the tediously repetitive scenes.

WINNER: NO CONTEST!

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