Then Saturday Comes… the half decent football blog

Oscar frenzy hits the world of football
February 22, 2009, 9:56 pm
Filed under: Mat Reville's Football Blog

Firstly, can I take a moment to apologise for this frankly lacklustre post.  I’m afraid I’ve not seen or played any football in the last week and I don’t really know what’s going on.  Still, perhaps this lacks-a-daisical approach will usher in a new rock ‘n’ roll approach to sports journalism the world over.  Enjoy my words, dear reader.

Christiano with his gongs for Best Theatrical Performance and Best Supporting Actress (mehalolz)

Christiano with his gongs for Best Theatrical Performance and Best Supporting Actress (megalolz!)

The Football Oscars

Oh lordy lordy, it’s the time of the year when everyone gets excited about films. It has always baffled me why millions of people get over-excited about what a handful of execs think… surely films are made for the public, and therefore the best films in the world are the ones that put the most bums on seats(especially Terminator 2).

Obviously we all know who will win what tonight (film = Slumdog, actress = Winslet etc), but oh my gosh wouldn’t it be topical to relate footballers to the film industry!

There is a certain level of theatre about professional football.  Games are played in front of a live audience, fans are given an intermission in the middle of the show, and increasingly music and videos are used as a crutch when the action isn’t living up to its billing.

The bigger teams have their own stations with hours of programming to fill.  Although I’m sure Big Brother star Bubble has many fascinating insights into the wacky goings-on at Stamford Bridge,  it’s surely only a matter of time until producers start commissioning programs with footballers as the stars.

Who wouldn’t want to watch Amir Zaki and Mido in a remake of Peep Show?  How could anyone change the channel when the music for Fireman Sam Hamann starts?  What on-screen magic would be delivered by Knowing Me Knowing You With Alan Pardew?

The players are used to theatrics, here’s the productions I expect to see commissioned by the ‘Big Four’ next season.

star-warsChelsea in Tsar Wars

Jose Mourinho as Luke Skywalker:

Roman Abramovic as Darth Vader

Ken Bates as Chewbacca

Ray Wilkins as R2D2

Ricardo Cavalharo as C3PO

Frank Lampard as Jabba The Hut



pulp-fictionManchester United present Pulp Fiction

Wes Brown as Jules

Wayne Rooney as Butch

Dmitar Berbatov as Vincent Vega

Alex Ferguson as Marsellus Wallace

The Auld Slapper as Mia Wallace



elephant-manLiverpool perform The Elephant Man

Dirk Kuyt as Joseph Merrick

Fernando Torres as the kindly doctor

Rafa Benitez as the tyrannical circus owner






batmanArsenal bring to you The Dark Knight

Robin van Persie as Batman/Bruce Wayne

John Jensen as Commissioner Gordon

Manuel Almunia as The Joker

Theo Walcott as Robin

William Gallas as the policeman who gets poisoned

George Graham as the dodgy Mafia Boss




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