Then Saturday Comes… the half decent football blog

Dreaming of a reunion with Jose, Kayak-gate and Car-loss Tevez
February 10, 2009, 11:09 pm
Filed under: Mat Reville's Football Blog


Kayser Jose and the rest of the Usual Suspects


It pains me to begin a blog on the same tired stories trotted out on the back pages of Fleet Street’s finest – what a poor way to make the most of a medium with no worries of libel or slander.  Still, there are some events that are big news that can’t be avoided, and Roman The Reaper’s scythe has fallen once again.

Yup, Big Phil Scolari is gone. The managerial merry-go-round has started to spin, but a ‘top four’ job never quite gets as much craziness as you would like.  Due to Red Rom’s past favouring of foreign managers with no substantial link to the English game, the majority of people linked to the job won’t upset the Premiership applecart.  To be honest, it is more likely that a Hiddink, Rijkaard or Mancini will get the nod rather than big Stevey Bruce.

However, the obvious hope for anyone not directly influenced by Chelsea is that Jose Mourinho canters back into town.  This blog would certainly be more regularly updated if The Chosen One were to return.  It is unlikely, and of the usual suspects it looks like this time Guus Hiddink will get the chance to take over at Chelsea (for about 6-8 months).  We can but dream for Jose’s return.

As for Scolari, I’m sure he isn’t bothered in the slightest.  He was rewarded 6 months into a pathetic job with a £7.5m pay-off and you can guarantee will walk into a top job in sunnier climates in the summer.

Do not put any stock in the hype and hoopla of the Premier League marketing campaign – it seems to be a badge of honour for foreign bosses to be sacked from posts in English football.

“Mr Ramos, I hear you have got 2 points from 10 games at Spurs… would you like to take over at Real Madrid?”

“Oh don’t worry about losing 8-1 to Middlesbrough and getting sacked by Manchester City Svennis… would you like to take over Mexiceo?”

“Forget about all that hooplah at Watford, it’s about time you came back to your spiritual home and managed Juventus, Signor Vialli!”

OK, well the last one isn’t as true as I’d like, but I couldn’t think of a third example and I damn well won’t spend more than 2 minutes thinking of something to back up my case.  But my case remains, that foreigners don’t perceive a managerial axing in England as proof of a mistake.

In reality, I would like to think that these foreign bosses come in and have a ‘sack race’ to see who can make off with the most amount of money for the least amount of service.  I don’t buy that smartly dressed Portugese fella at QPR for one minute.

Why park a bus infront of the goal when you can park a kayak?

Why settle for putting a bus in front of the goal when you can park a kayak?


Onto the real action, League One.  This weekend the high flying Blue Foxes were pitted against promotion rivals Oldham Athletic.

The real story came in the 52nd minute, when Oldham goalkeeper Greg Fleming was sent off.  In true lower league football fashion, The Latics had failed to name a sub keeper, so an outfield player had to take place between the sticks.

Step forward Dean Windass.

Yup, Premiership striker  Windass took his place ‘in net’ (as northerners say) to face the most potent attack in the division this season.  In true Roy Of The Rovers fashion, the on-loan Hull player kept a clean sheet, much to the shock of Foxes fans.

Well, to the shock of all but one fan.  Unsurprisingly in this increasingly self-centred blog, that fan was me.

As soon as Windass put on the gloves I regailed a story about how, at the height of my intra-mural university football career, we had faced a team with a bloke in a kayak in goal.

My team (Pipe Down FC) were pretty good, we had just won our division that year (if memory serves), and entered into a charity six-a-side competition.  Anyway, we were drawn against the Kayaking Society, and some wag (presumably from a boarding school) thought it would be a hoot to play the roal of goalkeeper whilst in his little kayak.

All the kayak crew thought this was a great idea, a veritable hootenany if you will.

Anyway the game kicked off and quickly something became abundantly apparent – we could not play football because there was a man in a kayak in the other goal.

Gone was the inctricate passing, the flowing two-touch samba football that made Pipe Down FC such a force to be reckoned with.  Instead, we lumped the ball at the goal as quickly as possible every time a player came into possession.

After five goalless minutes, it became increasingly embarrassing that we were being held by a team with a bloke with a paddle in goal.  We started playing with a higher tempo, rushing to get the ball in the net without realising you still have to get into a goalscoring opportunity.

Lo and behold, exactly the same thing happened with Leicester City.

Instead of a kayak was Dean Windass.  By putting their most iconic player in goal, no Leicester City player, fan or manager could get around the fact that it was Dean Windass who was between the sticks. Dean Windass.

The same team that had scored 4 away at Walsall just days before became reduced to a collection of morons, ploughing their head down and running into defenders who happened to have the audacity of standing between them and the ‘sure fire’ shot that would fly into the net due to the impractical goalkeeper.

The other tactic was just to shoot from 50 yards.  This idea obviously didn’t take into consideration that Mr Windass, although a striker, is still a professional athlete.  Facing him was perceived by most Leicester players as playing against somebody who had no grasp of how to get in the way of a ball.  “Yeah, it’s 45 yards from goal but don’t worry, he’s a striker normally so chances are he’ll just fall over and it will go in.  No worries.”

As it was, Leicester City followed Pipe Down’s precedent and failed to ever fashion a real chance.  Neither of us could get over the fact that we were not playing against a real goalkeeper, and it affected our similar ambiant breed of football that the fans loved us so much for.

Sadly, Pipe Down also conceded a late goal on the counter attack and we lost 1-0 to the Kayakers.  Many therapists have said I should let it go, but the nightmares are still relentless.

Tevez loses his wheels

Hollywood was quick to make a bio-pic of the Tevez tragedy


The final story after that epic is simply an excuse to throw out a pun, but the story was too perfect to ignore using it.

Manchester United soccer star Carlos Tevez has had his £140,000 Bentley seized because he does not have a full UK driving licence, police said (source: BBC).

Truly, it is a story concocted by the pun gods.

Still, Ashton Kutcher played him in the film, so at least Car-Loss got something out of the troubles caused by his motor vehicle.  Hopefully the scar won’t put Demi off, they’re one of my favourite Hollywood mismatched age couples.


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