Then Saturday Comes… the half decent football blog

FIFA’s hidden identity, Stephen Ireland, Bavaria & kidney stones
December 15, 2008, 5:24 pm
Filed under: Mat Reville's Football Blog

1. Wayne’s Offensive Stamp Goes Unpunished


Wayne Rooney has made a mockery of UEFA’s ‘video panel’, after they judged that his stamp on Aalborg’s goalkeeper was in the spirit of the game.

After the FA’s version of this body previously decided not to pursue action against Chris Morgan after his attempted decapitation of Iain Hume, you have to wonder exactly what these panels do.  Indeed, I find myself wondering whether there truly are panels.

The cases brought to these panels are so regularly dismissed that the whole thing smacks of one big practical joke by the self-regulating fools that make up football’s organisational bodies.

I once broke into the FA’s headquarters in Soho Square to hand in a CV, and there was a man with a gun in the hallway.  Why does the FA need armed guards?  Something here doesn’t add up.  Some hard questions need to be asked over the clandestine nature of footballing institutions.

I’ve got a sneaky feeling that the FA/FIFA aren’t really organisations that are about football.  It is most likely all a big smokescreen for something terrorist related.  Michele Platini is actually the head of the EU, and Trevor Brooking is the head of British homeland security.

Ultimately, the FA Cup is the equivalent of Communism’s ‘opium of the masses’ theories.  The prospect of a day out to London for a bit of silverware is dished out to people with little-to-no excitement in their lives (…Portsmouth, West Brom, Barnsley and Cardiff in the semi-finals prove my point).  In my opinion, those four cities are now the most likely targets of international terrorism.  At least they’ll still have their Wembley memories though.

2.  They’re No Great Sheikhs

sheikhs1On the other side of Manchester, megabucks Manchester City dropped down to 17th, spectacularly meaning that they are only out of the bottom 3 on goal difference.  If course, all that means is that come January the Middle Eastlanders will just pop an extra 0 on the bids for each of their transfer targets.

There are only two players whose positions should be completely safe this transfer window: Robinho and Stephen Ireland.  One of those names may surprise you… but I for one have been very impressed with how the Brazilian has adapted to the Premiership!

Seriously though, in a Premiership XI for this season, Stevie Ireland would be bossing centre midfield with Fat Frank Lampard (Gerrard dropped for crimes against humanity).

Hopefully, Daddy Dick will not be lost in the Man City shuffle come January, as he could definately become the ‘token Englishman in midfield’, just like Fat Frank at Chelsea.

3. Leute Kennerlernen


Not content with supporting the greatest team League One has ever seen, I am branching out to the Bundesliga.

I have never known anything about football away from these shores.  In a bid to change this I have plucked a team to follow, and eventually love.

From today onwards, I will be proudly following the fortunes of FC Energie Cottbus,

I can only hope that the introduction of some international football will rub some culture off on my chizzit brain.  Currently, I know absolutely nothing about the boys from Cottbus, but a quick look on wikipedia suggests that I could be in for a treat.

‘We’ were formed just 45 years ago in Communist East Germany, more specifically in the Lausitz region of Brandenberg.  One day, I dream of going there.  Should I complete my pilgrimage to Cottbus, I will grab a wheat beer (Weissbeir) at the Stadion der Freundschaft.

Sadly, I have also just discovered that the German Bundesliga has a six-week winter break.  That’s just lazy.  Still, over the next six weeks I will be gathering knowledge about the Energie Cottbus boys, and will be ravenously excited for January 27th away day at Bayer Leverkusen.

FC Energie Cottbus sind die besten!

4. Kidney Stones


Finally, Rafa Benitez has fallen victim of kidney stones, just days after the same curse afflicted Big Fil Scolari.  Now, if House has taught me anything, it’s that medial illnesses are never a simple affair, so what could have caused these two managerial heavyweights such intestinal woes?

Let’s have a look through the causes of kidney stones, so that Nigel Pearson can avoid being the next top, top manager to fall victim to their powers.

Cause #1: being between 20-40 years old

Thankfully, big Nige escapes this cause, seeing as he is 45 years old (the same age as my beloved FC Energie Cottbus).  However, Rafa (48) and Fil (60) don’t fit this bill either.  Onto cause 2…

Cause #2: having very poor mobility

Again big Nige escapes this cause, thanks to his rigorous training regime at Leicester City.  I’d imagine he still likes the odd fight, which must also aid his mobility.  Rafa, on the other hand, has more the look of a portly secondary school language teacher, while Big Fil is as fat as his name suggests.  Therefore, Nige this could be a dodged bullet for the Leicester boss.

Cause #3: eating a diet high in protein

Scolari is Brazilian, and therefore constantly eats chicken and eggs.  As a proud Spaniard, Benitez must gorge on bulls nightly.  However, proffesional northerner Nigel Pearson has them all beaten.  Like anyone from Sheffield/Middlesborough, his diet consists purely of protein-friendly steak, cod and pork.

In conclusion… Pearso passes all the tests.  Therefore, no kidney stones for him, and henceforth Leicester are going up, uppidy, up!


2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Nigel ‘I’ve Made Plans’ Pearson is actually from Nottingham. Or ‘Shottingham’, as some strangely masochistic middle-class NG7ers proudly refer to their home town.

Whether this has a bearing on whether Nige might contract kidney stones over Christmas remains to be seen.

Comment by Joe M

Token Englishman?? Have I missed a joke there?

I had one of my favourite ever Championship Manager careers with Energie Cottbus. It was in the days when we played on the “Isaak” table. Good to see you’re carrying the torch.

Comment by Tom Revs

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