Then Saturday Comes… the half decent football blog

Ahmadinejad’s joy of text, morbid predictions + farmer frenzy
December 5, 2008, 3:12 pm
Filed under: Mat Reville's Football Blog

1. i h8 my job, cu l8r xx

The Premiership has seen its 53rd managerial casualty of the season after Roy ‘Ahmadinejad‘ Keane deemed his position untenable at Sunderland.  Keane walked away after an even 100 games in charge, a period that will probably be best remembered for the most unlikely promotion since those two lackeys in Weekend At Berny’s.

Due to his outspoken nature (Wags, prawn sandwiches, holocaust denial etc), the first Iranian Premiership manager’s position had come under scrutiny for a while.  The  4-1 home defeat to Bolton was the final nail in the coffin.

What made this latest chapter of the managerial merry-go-round all the more exciting was Keane’s decision to resign by sending a text message to Chairman Niall Quinn. This fantastic decision could usher in a new technological era for football news, an era where Alex Ferguson will finally announce his retirement through his Facebook status.  ‘Alex is going to let someone else be lauded as a genius for spending £100m a season’, for example.

I for one am a big proponent of such a change.  That way, all I have to do to avoid watching Stevie Howard lumbering around every fortnight is steal his phone and send Milan Mandaric a text saying; “lol im not really a futbooler it were a joke, gon on 2 long fink im goin 2 retire frm footie n go bk 2 wrk @ th oil rig”.

2. Sicknote Signs Off

Nurses’ favourite Darren Anderton has made the rare decision to quit football halfway through a season.  The ex-England man fantastically made the decision on a whim, after deciding he wanted to go backpacking around South East Asia.  Beats playing for Bournemouth I suppose.

No doubt when Dazza rocks up in Thailand, he will be warmly greeted by fellow Englishmen with offers of hemp friendship bracelets and hairbands.  I hope that he manages to ‘find himself’ a little more often than he managed to ‘find Alan Shearer’ with his crossing in the Euro ’96 semi final(If you click on that link, please stop watching at 0:44 for the sake of your sanity)

If I’m not mistaken, Dazza’s retirement leaves Trade Unionist Gary Neville as the last member of that Euro ’96 team who is still playing.  Therefore, they will most likely all be out of the news until they die.  Here is my prediction of the order in which that almost-glorious squad will meet their maker…

1. Paul Gascoigne (chokes from laughing too much  after Jimmy Five Bellies farts)

2. Tony Adams (brain overload after talking to Arsene Wenger too much)

3. Darren Anderton (combination of every known illness in modern medicine)

4. Gary Neville (a broken heart)

5. David Seaman (moustache trapped in fishing rod, rips face from skull)

6. Paul Ince (huge blood loss, post mortem reveals he had haemophila all along)

7. Steve McManaman (double cardiac arrest induced by excessive disco dancing)

8. Gareth Southgate (stabbed on touchline by Newcastle manager Alan Shearer)

9. Alan Shearer (lynched by Boro supporters after killing Gareth Southgate)

10. Teddy Sheringham (outed as an FBI informant, killed by Tony, Paulie + Sylvio)

11. Stuart Pearce (immortal, will never die)

3. The Old Farm derby


The big match this weekend is The Old Farm derby, which will see country bumpkins Norwich take on their even more country bumpkin rivals Ipswich Town. The match represents the one time of year that people from the dark corners of England concentrate on something other than alfalfa, tractors, and buxom wenches. It should be a great day out, and the atmosphere generated by 30,000 Scrumpy Jack-swilling whore killers is really something to behold.

People hoping to watch the game on TV may be disappointed, as although the match is scheduled to be broadcast on Sky there are almost certainly no electricity cables in or around Carrow Road.

My betting tips for the weekend…

55/1: Blackburn 1-1 Liverool (Matt Derbyshire first goal)

12/1: Ipswich to be beating Norwich at half time, draw at full time

8/1: Lloyd Dyer first goal Leicester vs. Southend

(Put a quid on a cheeky treble and you’ll walk away with a cool £5,280)


1 Comment so far
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Nice work young Revs. Make sure the fiver don’t borrow too much of your material though.

Comment by Nick Cave

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